Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
