Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
