I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
