I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
