I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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