Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
