Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
