My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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