After last night, I could never be a politician.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize