just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize