There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
