I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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