I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
