Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
