P.S. I can't hear my feet
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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