Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
