Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
