maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize