You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Houston, we have a blender
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
