Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
