pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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