I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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