I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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