My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
