"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
