You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
