Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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