they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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