the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize