Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
