3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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