God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
