If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
