I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize