If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
