Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
