Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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