Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
we should paint friendship bongs
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