don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
