My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
