things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
