I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
