Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
