i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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