Please, let me fuck your mom
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You may now shotgun with the bride
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize