so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I look excited, but its just a facade.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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