I just threw up on my dentist
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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