maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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