It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
