so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
