Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Acid is not a monday night drug
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Everclear isn't food dammit
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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