Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
