My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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