I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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