Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
