Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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