I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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