I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
