By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry about my life...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
