She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
