go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
