i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
