I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
