3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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